NSFW - Fatback Media

Jessica Simpson, seen here holding a sign that the kind folks at Yahoo! were gracious enough make for her, complete with Yahoo! font-alization and custom branding (like she was, ‘hey I need a sign cawz I kain’t tawlk’ and they’re all ‘well, we just happen have this old thing…’), is apparently moving along nicely with her heartbreak and has man-hopped from Dane Cook to John Mayer.

“She’s tiptoeing back into the dating world,” a source tells PEOPLE. “It’s the first stage. She’s never been happier.”

Mayer, 28, began a co-headlining tour with Sheryl Crow on Aug. 24, and Simpson, 26, is expected to attend his concert in Jones Beach, N.Y., on Wednesday night. (source)

I think tip-toeing is the new fisting in Hollywood. I also think that Jessica Simpson should play roller derby with me in my next door neighbor’s waterless pool while she smacks gum and tells me about our Lord and Savior, J.C. the Lamb. What is it with hot chicks and their propensity to date pasty faced ghouls who have top 10 hits? Is it the music? Could they be morbidly attracted to cadaverous sunken eyed basement dwellers? I think not. [Although, I did date a girl one time who thought the Emperor on Star Wars was hot. Let's just say that relationship ended in blood and tears- mostly my own.]

I think the Jessicas and Petras (who’s dating James Blunt) of the world are in a self destructive spiral that is so consuming that they mean to bring down the human race by pairing with only genetically inferior men that are one sunbeam away from bursting into flames. It’s a conspiracy that’s coming in loud and clear; so tinfoil up your rabbit ears and prepare for the end of days.