NSFW - Fatback Media

Super hungry today. let’s see what everybody else is cooking.

Victoria Beckham had the last of her cybernetic implants placed yesterday. 2% human! (IDLYITW)

Mischa Barton wears clothes instead of a ragged scarf for a change. At least she’s up to the ’80s in fashion era now. (Yeeeah)

Jenna Jameson is still hot matter what you guys say. She’s a director! (Bastardly)

Anna Nicole Smith did what any new mother from the south would do. Marry the first guy to come along. They should go ahead and stock up on the Zoloft for their daughter when she hits puberty. Ouch. Did I go too far? (Glitterati)

Lindsay Lohan. Mother Trucker. (Smart)

Jessica Alba has a bad hair day. It’s bed head. If you see her tell her I need my iPod back. Fucking thief. (Gossip or Truth)

Maria Sharpova in a bikini warrants a late post. I know I posted some in this set a while back, but some new ones showed up in my inbox, so here we are. I speak a little Russian and I once dated a Russian chick so that makes me an expert on Eastern European affairs. Namely. Eastern European Women. American women are coy and flirty but Russian women are ruthless cutthroats. That’s why they’re so god damn hot.

Svetlana, my ex, smoked cigarettes like she was popping bubble gum. She was always smiling, but in way that scared the hell out of me. And she would curse me in that sexy accent. “God, you are so stupid. Hahahaha. You’re the stupidest person I have ever seen. Americans. Hahaha. Stupid clothes. Stupid hair. Stupid face. Even the air you breathe is stupid. I am getting stupid just standing next to you. Take me now you god damned idiot.” Then we would have sex for two hours. Later I would wake up with my wallet gone and cigarette burns on my chest. God I miss her.

Clay Aiken, the American Idol runner-up from like 50 years ago, is trying to build his singing career while dealing with panic attacks, the pressures of publicity and rumors that he is gay. recently, he sought treatment for anxiety symptoms bought on by crowded rooms.

“I said, ‘Listen, here’s the, here’s the thing. I don’t understand why I feel like I’m gonna have a heart attack when I go into these rooms. I don’t get it,” he said.Aiken’s doctor said that he was experiencing symptoms of panic attacks. (source)

Simon Cowell had so sympathy for him.

“Oh give me a break. Let me have a choice, I’m going to work in a coal mine for 14 hours a day or I’m going to be a runner-up on ‘American Idol.’ Give me a break, idiot.”

“They’re not working for a living, they’re becoming famous … no one’s put a gun to their head … Clay, whatever he may have said, would not swap what he’s got now for what he had three years ago.” (source)

First of all, I don’t care if Clay Aiken is gay or not. But he could be straight, right? All dudes get case of the vapors and flit about like a histrionic little girl when they walk into a crowded room, don’t they? (There might be spiders). The more he tries to convince us that’s he not the more he shows us that he is. Here’s a tip. If Amanda Bynes was more convincing as a straight male in She’s The Man, then you’re gay. Also, if you watched She’s The Man you’re probably gay. Wait. Here are some pictures of Katharine McPhee’s rack so I can reassert my manliness. I’m touching my junk right now, ladies. Boobies!

Afternoon links futhatass.

Melissa Joan Hart bewitchingly getting back into MILFilicious shape. Clarissa is almost back in action kids. (The Bastardly)

Terrell Owens tried to kill himself with pills like a little girl. Pussy. (Bumpshack)

Screech made a Sex Tape with a Dirty Sanchez money shot. Fucking amatuer. (College Humor)

Jesus told me that Oprah was gay. Jesus loves me, so I know it’s true. (Drunken Stepfather)

Brad Pitt will NOT be replacing tom Cruise in MI:IV. The part of Ethan Hunt will be played by Jason Dohring. Conspiracy? (Yes. I made that up) (Smart)

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes trying to keep a low profile while eating out at the MOST PHOTOGRAPHED RESTAURANT in LA. They’re sinister! (INO)

Kate Moss and Pete Doherty [insert drugs here] and then [drug usage here] followed by copius [drugs]. CRACK! (Yeeeah)

Emily here, gang. Gazillionaire Joe Francis of the Girls Gone Wild empire to pay penalties for underage video whores vixens. He entered a plea on Monday after striking a last minute deal with federal prosecutors.

The 33-year-old kingpin copped to distributing such DVD titles as Girls Gone Wild: Totally Exposed Uncensored and Beyond and Wild College Girls Exposed/Sexy Uncensored Sweetheart that contained sexually explicit footage featuring underage girls.
Per the deal, Francis will personally pay $500,000 in fines, while his Santa Monica-based Mantra Films and a related company, MRA Holdings, must pay $1.6 million in penalties and submit to outside audits of its bookkeeping. In exchange, Francis will not serve any time. (source)

I am personally shocked and disgusted at the exploitation of underage girls. I would’ve sworn they were all at least 18.5. I sustain Joe’s stance that it is hard to tell age from the braces and cheerleading skorts. How did this case arise anyway? Did daddy and his rowdy bowling buddies catch his perfect angel bearing her assets to half of Cancun when she was supposed to be on a senior class ski trip in Vail? ‘Cause that’s not creepy at all, except it is. This reminds me of the time my Dad caught me and cousin Niles playing strip poker in the barn when I was 16. Niles wasn’t my real cousin, but he was twice my age and recently paroled for something call “lewd and lascivious” behavior. Naughty.

In case your wondering that picture is of some D-lister that showed up to whore celebrate at Joe Francis’ birthday party. If you were expecting some lasciviousness and GGW images, I suggest a Google search. That’s me on the left. Stay in school!

Hey y’all Emily here. Dios mio, muchachas, Shakira’s ‘oral fixation’ is the latest hot gossip behind the Latin Grammys.  My oral fixation is the latest hot gossip behind the water cooler.  Sign-ups are in the men’s room stalls. And don’t believe everything you read in there.

[Shakira] leads the nomination list for the seventh annual installment of the music awards with five nods, including Record and Song of the year for “La Tortura,” and Album of the Year for her chart-topping Fijacion Oral Vol. 1. Shakira is also up for Best Short Form Music Video for “La Tortura,” a duet with Alejandro Sanz that broke the record for topping the Billboard Hot Latin Tracks chart, and Best Female Pop Vocal Album. In addition. Fijacion Oral, which features Latin- and Middle Eastern-inspired beats performed with shimmying abandon by the 28-year-old singer, earned a technical nod for Best Engineered Album. (source)

Aye, Papi!  My hips don’t lie either; they react-with deadly results.  Just last week I summoned a great Kung-Fu  master in an effort to thwart off a raid of ninjas at my trailer park.  My heightened animal instincts, startling speed and staggering agility are what keep your streets safe from lycans, vampires and Elvis impersonators, people. And once my retractable claw set and black velvet cloak from Gungfu.com arrive, I’ll be unstoppable.  Unstoppable.

The Los Angeles city attorney formally charged Paris Hilton with DUI. According to reports she was charged with two misdemeanors based on her arrest earlier this month.

A spokesman for the city attorney’s office says Hilton was rung up for driving under the influence and driving with a blood-alcohol level of 0.08 or above.

Hilton was pulled over on Sept. 6, shortly after leaving a charity party at Hollywood hotspot Dragonfly, when LAPD officers noticed her Mercedes McLaren SLR driving erratically.

Per the police report, officers observed “symptoms of intoxication” and issued a field sobriety test. Although police refused to confirm, sources claimed Hilton blew a 0.08 on the Breathalyzer test, the minimum blood-alcohol level required for a DUI in California. (source)

Some of the “symptoms of intoxication” probably included Paris falling out of the car, taking her clothes off and trying give the arresting officer a blowjob in some kind of Pavlovian response to the dash mounted police camera. It’s just a shame that Paris won’t be sharing a cell and getting dry fisted by a gang-banger chick named Mesquita, who has a double teardrop tattoo under her eye. That’s because the maximum fine is $1000.00. For DUI. It turns out LA is the land of dreams and opportunities and cheap vehicular homicide. Now to make you feel better about all this unpleasantness, here’s a picture of Paris Hilton with a monkey. A monkey, I tell you! Everyone loves a monkey!

Ali Larter is one of the stars of the new NBC show heroes, which according to the always useful IMDB is descibed as:

“They thought they were like everyone else… until they woke with incredible abilities.”

I DVR’d the show but I haven’t watched yet. If these screen caps are any indication of the show’s plot, then the “incredible abilities” involve Ali Larter’s ability to make me drop my pants and run at my television like a wild horse. Which usually ends in tragedy. Remember that at least one pant leg needs to come completely off your foot though. I’m a stallion. (more after the jump)

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Afternoon links! It’s Monday and the week already sucks. Stop working and kill the rest of the day reading internet gold.

Hayden Panittierre is still jailbait, so that makes you a dirty perv. (The Bastardly)

Fergie’s song London Bridge is apparently a reference to a group sex position. I wonder if she’s heard of Rodeo style? (Yeeeah)

Christina Aguilera in October JANE. How long till I post these myself? (INO)

Reese Witherspoon + Cake = Super yummy. (Smart)

For the ladies. LOST and Sawyer are returning in nine days. The square root of 9 is 3, which is a prime number. LOST comes on at 9, which is PRIMEtime. Coincidence? Huh? HUH? Math rulez. (Bumpshack)

Jesus H Martinez! See the MySpace showdown between JM and some DJ who may be gay. His text siggy is 2 turntables and a mixer. CLEVER! (DrunkenStepfather)

Steven Tyler has Hepatits C. Which is just slightly classier than Hepatitis B. (Gossip or truth)

It’s Spankin’ Free Music Week at MTV. Head over and check out all the new goodness. (MTV)

Evan Rachel Wood is an actress who, although her career is skyrocketing, refuses to get caught up in the excesses inherent to Hollywood scene. Originally from North Carolina (reparazent!), she moved to LA as a child and has been acting ever since. She’s currently starring in the film adaptation of Augusten Burroughs’ Running with Scissors. She is surprisingly down to earth when it comes to fame.

[T]he Hollywood-starlet fantasy she’s living out is decidedly more Silver Lake hipster than red-carpet socialite. She flies across the country just to catch a Radiohead show. She karaokes with Eddie Izzard. She has no interest in the aristocretin antics of the Hilton/Lohan set. “The clubs in L.A. usually just make me want to vomit,” she says—a world-weary comment from someone who’s young enough to regard the party scene as an exotic mystery. (source: Details)

I really respect Evan Rachel Wood and her attitude. I’ve steered clear of that decadent party scene as well. Just the other day, a naked Russian supermodel and I were doing coke off of a stripper’s ass and I told her that I was getting rid of my meerkat because it just seemed like foolish juvenile indulgence. Plus, those little fuckers can bite.