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Sorry about all the Miss USA stuff this week but Lindsay and Paris are starting to bore me. So…

Daddy issues notwithstanding, Tara Conner is pretty damn hot. And easy. And she likes to kiss girls. So basically, she’s perfect. I mean, obviously you wouldn’t want to marry her, because you would spend five years nurturing a bleeding ulcer while she methodically banged every man, woman, and child that you know, only to leave you for a doctor [read: richer new daddy] and a new Range Rover, thus continuing a cycle that will only end in tears. Not hers of course. Yours.

So why all the fuss anyway? What can you really expect from a contest that asks women to objectify themselves in one breath, strutting the stage in a bikini and validate themselves in the next “I want world peace and puppies and love…ooh and I want to own my own business…” all the while being judged on beauty and “poise”. It’s a ridiculous farce so thinly veiled that it’s borderline cruel. The fact that Donald Trump runs the show should be a clue that the only real talent in these so-called contests is a nice rack and toothy smile. So, if the contest is based on how beautiful [read:sexy] you are, then how can you blame Tara Conner for adhering to the established (albeit whispered) standard for sexiness? This is the MTV generation on crack. We have 15 year old girls who are considered sex symbols, NFL cheerleaders making out in bar room stalls and not a thong to be found between Lindsay, Britney or Paris. Tara Conner is not a misguided libertine who failed her duties of office; she’s a fucking overachiever. God Bless Miss America.

So it’s holiday week and none of you are working, or my server wouldn’t be on it’s knees crying for help. Here’s some more stuff to keep you busy.

• Kelly Clarkson is a sloppy drunk. (Yeeeah)
• Kelly Brooke: still hot. Still has a giant rack. Still warrants masturbation in bikini shots. (Derek Hail)
• Joanna Krupa would rather be naked. (Bastardly)
• Brooke Hogan. Well…kinda trampy. Merry Holidays! (Drunken Stepfather)
• The Devil Wears a Documentary. Anna Wintour behind the scenes due soon. (Socialite’s life)
• Will Smith will make you cry. For reals. (Pajiba)
• Christmas Wishes from the Antichrist. (College Humor)