NSFW - Fatback Media

I guess somebody should’ve told Paris Hilton that Nicky Hilton’s 25th birthday party actually meant “Nicky Hilton’s 25th birthday party”, because of course, Paris made it all about Paris. God, this whore can’t help herself. Every time she sees a camera it’s like a fish that saw something shiny. Nicky Hilton could get shot in the face and Paris would show up at the crime scene covered in gasoline with a lighter in her hand and waving her arms like a P.O.W. who just saw a plane.

Paris Hilton reportedly suffers from extreme ADD and claustrophobia, which is why she was released from jail earlier this month.

TMZ has learned that Paris Hilton suffers from extreme Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) and claustrophobia, and these conditions may have triggered the Sheriff’s decision to spring her from Lynwood Jail last week.

We’re told Hilton is taking Adderall for her ADD. Although our sources were not specific, we’re told Hilton was not receiving all of her medications at Lynwood. As a result, Hilton was having severe panic attacks in jail. There were times she was so debilitated, she could not push the panic button in her cell. (source)

What kind of jail has a panic button? Was she incarcerated by Mayor McCheese and Grimace the cop in a Ronald McDonald Playground? Also, in case you haven’t heard, ADD is a made up disorder. That’s right. Fucking completely bullshit. The whole ADD/ADHD phenomenon was invented so rich parents wouldn’t have to feel guilty about being shitty guardians and so their kids could snort drugs in school legally. I’m not a bad parent…my kid had ADD.

BULL. SHIT.

You know what they give kids whose parents can’t afford Adderall and Ritalin? A belt across the ass and no supper. And a god damn life lesson. Shut the fuck up and you’ll get fed. Nobody cares about your problems. I went to school with Ritalin tweakers who ended up way more fucked up because they were so geeked out and paranoid they couldn’t concentrate at school or at home. ADD/ADHD diagnosis will only coddle an already fucked up kid and make it okay to be broken. Instead of teaching a child to be self reliant and to learn from mistakes, ADD relegates them to an adult life where nothing is their fault and they can always blame the condition or the medication. Fuck you. Stop crying.

So it looks like LA Law may be poised to surpass the Teletubbies in overall toughness and have called Paris Hilton back to court to discuss the validity of her recent release. TMZ report from yesterday:

Late today, L.A. City Attorney Rocky Delgadillo filed paperwork demanding a hearing before Judge Michael Sauer to determine why the Sheriff’s Department allowed Paris to get out of jail when the judge had expressly ordered her to serve out her entire sentence.

The hearing is scheduled for 9:00 AM PDT on Friday. (source)

A hearing. Man. She must be shaking in her Jimmy Choo Strappy sandals. I bet the lawyers have filed some really concise motions and the judge is prepared to hear their briefs in detail. Eeeek! I hope she’s okay!

If it was anybody else, Dog the Bounty Hunter would have broken the door down and hog tied you with cable ties faster than you could snap into a slim jim. Macho Man Randy Savage does play Dog the Bounty Hunter on TV right? ON THAT NOTE… Why does Stacy Kiebler insist on wearing so many clothes? That’s the true crime here.

UPDATE: TMZ reports that Paris Hilton was released for “health reasons”. She is now under house arrest and must to wear an ankle bracelet that notifies the authorities if she leaves the tiny confines of her 5000 square foot house; which is barely 50 times bigger than her spacious jail cell.

Whatever will she do?

I mean ,after a few days it will get boring driving her golden golf cart from one end of the house to another. Or flying a kite in the living room or riding her horse up and down the stairs. Poor kitten. They should have let her go to one of those awesome half-way houses where the cool criminals get to go; where they get to sleep next to each other on ratty cots while they listen to the guards rape the other parolees. LA law, you’re a stinker!

I think paroled may be too strong. Maybe let off easy is more appropriate, because the LA legal system is about as tough on crime as an episode of Dragon Tales.

Unimpeachable sources tell TMZ the deal was sealed yesterday, and that Hilton made her exit early early this morning.

She was originally sentenced to 45 days in jail, but that was reduced to 23. She served a total of three days — the normal stay for a violation of this kind. (source)

God damn. I’ve had video check outs at a Hilton Hotel that took longer than Paris Hilton was in jail. I like how the LA Police don’t even try to disguise the preferential treatment anymore. One judge for LA County was quoted as saying, “Well I can’t keep her jail after I already cashed the bribe check, duh.”. Which, if you think about it, makes perfect sense. Like how the dinosaurs are a lie made up by devil worshipers. True story.

Paris Hilton’s first 3 nights in jail apparently weren’t as nice as she was hoping. According to TMZ, the jailed DUI offender has been crying on the phone and freezing at night.

Paris has been crying on the phone, saying she’s not sleeping or eating. Paris says her cell is “freezing cold.” She has three little blankets and no pillow. She’s using one of the blankets as a pillow. The room is bright and jail noise echoes through her space. (source)

Wow. So her jail sounds like my bedroom when I was growing up. Except I didn’t have a phone, a tv, or as much food and I had to use a cat for a blanket. But, despite of her bullshit crying for no god damn reason, her stay has been pretty quiet so far. I have to admit, I was hoping for a prison riot by the chicas, sisters, and red neck bitches on lock down where they throw fireballs made of shit and human hair and somebody gets shanked with a melted down sharpened toothbrush that was hidden in some inmate’s snatch for just this occasion.

Instead we get a spoiled rich-bitch crying herself to sleep because of the frigid LA night air and no pillow. Brrrr. Do they even put violent criminals in jail anymore? Where’s the rape and attempted murder and sodomy. Penal system, you’ve let me down. You used to be beautiful.

Paris Hilton is caged heat, baby. Well she would have been if she wasn’t a spoiled bitch and this weren’t LA. She would’ve ended up some teardrop tattooed, East LA gangsta chick’s little skinny shank toy, (like Mesquita tried to make Reese Witherspoon in Freeway), but it turns out that heiresses get special treatment - even in jail. I have avoided writing about Paris Hilton, because the last thing the world needs is another blog post about Paris Hilton. But. She’s in jail for breaking the law and that’s kinda cool symmetry. Oh, she gets her own cell, she got to come in early and gets to watch tv and all, but she’s still in prison and that’s sublime.

Ah I could go on and on about this, but my Mortimer Ichabod Marker pen and I have some work to do. The new Chess hotties were just released! Check and mate… Here are the top links for Paris Hilton in Jail.

• Paris Hilton mug shots. (IDLYITW)
• Paris Hilton cries on the way to prison where she belongs. (WWTDD)
• Nicky Hilton prepares her defense of Paris. Voire dire is gonna rock. (Yeeeah)
• This is not Paris Hilton. This is Jessica Biel kissing a chick. (DS)
• Paris Hilton turns herself in to the police. (SeriouslyOMGWTF)
• Paris Hilton in jail. Break. Josie Maran Minute. (Bastardly)
• Heidi Montag’s tits at the MTV Awards. (Celebrity Hubris)
• Paris wore hair extensions to jail. Nappy. (ICYDK)
• What’s your gossip IQ? Mine is elevety billion. I win again! (Radar)
• Kim Kardashian goes bodonkadonkdonk. (GoT)

Here are the hottest pictures of Paris Hilton I could find:

Paris Hilton, ever the speller, who’s facing up to 45 days in prison, posted a heartfelt half-ass plea on her MySpace page this week urging people to sign a petittion to keep her out of jail.

“My friend Joshua started this petition, please help and sihn [sic] it. i LOVE YOU ALL!!!!!”

The petition, created by the stunningly dim-witted, Joshua Capone urges Arnold Schwarzenegger to rescind the order to incarcerate Paris for av DUI conviction probation violation.

“Paris Whitney Hilton is a 26-year-old American celebrity and socialite. She is an heiress to a share of the Hilton Hotel fortune, as well as to the real estate fortune of her father Richard Hilton. She provides hope for young people all over the U.S. and the world,” (source)

The letter goes on and on, and I think at one point he talks about masturbating while actually writing the petition, but I got so bored reading it that I literally died for a minute or two. But the cold medicine that I cooked up into crystal meth gave me a heart attack and brought me back kicking and screaming. Moral of the story? Paris Hilton is a murderer. And Sudafed sinus really does work. Although you need a lot of nitric acid a hot plate and some expensive glassware. More Marisa Miller because Paris Hilton is about as sexy to me as slurping ipecac off a dude’s cock.

Must. Not. Make.Whore. Comment. Normally, I like my ladies to show up ready for action, however, I don’t want them to inadvertently get some action before-hand. That dress already gets you to second base just by riding in the car with her.